Kissing Kamal

My New Year’s resolution is to give up kissing for 2013.  Yeah, this may be a bit of a challenge considering the name of this blog but let me explain:

I’m refusing to make time for any shallow kisses, empty kisses, or sloppy drama-filled kisses.

I’m not kissing him just because it’s the first date or because the ball dropped.  I’m not kissing him because he looks good on paper, or has paper, or because he’s in the paper.  I’m not kissing him because I’m lonely; or because I’m horny; or because the thought of kissing him inflates a desire to have someone to kiss.

I’m not kissing him just because he wants to.  Nor am I kissing him because I want to forget about kissing someone else.  I’m not kissing him as a means to escape, and I’m not kissing him because the alcohol made me.

I want deep, passionate, meaningful kisses in my life.  I want kisses that care about my day and listen to my words.  I want kisses that last, and grow, and evolve.  I want kisses that “get me.”  I want kisses that are honest and sincere.  I want kisses that make me laugh and let me cry when I need to.  I want kisses that not only kiss me back, but have my back.

Just some thoughts as we get ready to ring in the New Year.  Peace and love for 2013.

Hugs.

xoxo

I was at a friend’s party having a good time when I started talking to a fine brother we’ll call “Marcel.”

Marcel was every bit of handsome: smooth chocolaty skin, great eyes, a muscular body that said, “I work out but I’m not too vain to have a little grown man weight.”  All in all, Marcel was a definite candidate to be an Idris (read here).

Marcel had me immediately intrigued.  This man didn’t need to spit game because he had a confidence and ease in his voice that pulled you in.  Moreover he could talk, and I love it when men can “conversate” on topics out of the ordinary.

Eventually, we got to the question of “what do you do” and Marcel said, “I work out at the airport.”

“Okay” I said, as visions of kiosks and salty soft pretzels danced in my head.  And he said it so matter-of-factly; like there was nothing wrong with a mid 30’s brother working this kind of job and having no other hustle going on. Read more…

How many times have you heard someone referred to as “crazy” in the single, gay and dating scene?

You make a positive comment about a guy you see across the bar for the first time and one of your friends says, “oh I went out with him on a date once and he’s crazy.”  Or, “we hooked up once and he’s cray-cray!”  Or when two people you know, who may or may not be independently crazy, date for a quick moment and part ways calling the other crazy.

Crazy seems to be a term that’s thrown around a lot but I’ve yet to see two people define it in the same way.  Yes, someone acting stalkerish or obsessive over you is a bit cray-cray.  Or a guy who literally plans your wedding after one date is a MAJOR red flag of avoidance.

But a lot of times I hear the word mentioned and it makes me wonder if the person truly is, or if it’s just a way for the speaker to quickly dismiss a bad dating situation without any explanation.  A guy not being able to commit to plans or follow thru with you, doesn’t mean that he’s crazy; it just means that he wasn’t that in to you, is too emotionally immature to deal with his feelings, and that you need to move on. Read more…

What does being liked by people have to do with one’s ability to snag a decent date?  In a perfect world, the two concepts should be separate, as it’s only important that your heart’s desire like you and screw all the rest #FTW.  But in the world of single, gay and dating, being “liked” may have more impact on one’s pool of eligible dates than we might realize.

Case in point: a while back, I was grabbing lunch at a local deli when I bumped into Jack.  I hadn’t seen Jack in several years and he looked a lot better than how I remembered him.  In fact, he looked down right handsome in his work wear, and had amazing eyes that glimmered even in the middle of a dull workday.  We chatted and caught up for a bit, and I could tell there was a mutual interest in getting to know each other.  Jack and I exchanged information and promised to do a lunch date in the near future.

Later that night, I was out at one of my favorite happy hours when I walk into a room and see Jack with his bestie Giles.

Read more…

I ended last week being a little frustrated with the blog.  After writing a post on barebacking and how it can play a part in dating and relationships, I expected a bevy of comments about the topic only to wind up with the sound of internet crickets.

While I do appreciate the one and only comment from Brad, who runs a barebacking site that has some pretty hot porn, I feel like most people looked past my point: if you are having sex without condoms while dating then ask yourself if your expectations and feelings regarding emotional and physical intimacy are being colored.

I was discussing this with a friend last Friday over drinks, and after a couple swigs from his beer he said, “Kamal, you’re asking people to comment on a topic that a lot of guys just don’t talk about.  You’re right that a lot of guys do it, but because of barebacking’s association with HIV and AIDS, a lot of guys consider the subject taboo and just don’t talk about it.”

And why is it that we, as men who are single, gay, dating and looking for love, are not talking about this? Read more…

Another Reader Request: why are there guys who still insist on barebacking?  Honestly, I can’t answer why some guys insist on having bareback sex when they hardly know the sexual history and health status of their partners.  But I do have something to say about guys who bareback while dating, and I hope you stick around to read my thoughts on that.

Skin to skin sex is preferred by many guys for obvious reasons.  Barebacking has long been touted as one of the benefits of being in a committed relationship with a boyfriend or trusted f-buddy (I know some of you don’t use rubbers with your f-buddy so don’t shoot me for shining a light on it!).  But boyfriends and long-term f-buddies / we’re both in denial that we’re actually boyfriends, aren’t the only situations where trust is established and the rubbers come flying off as the legs go up in the air.

While not yet “boyfriends” with the other fella, some guys have decided to establish a level of trust in the relationship that allows for them to have skin to skin sex with each other while dating.  Shock and awe, but I’ve been in this kind of situation too.  Even though it’s something I’ve done with no regret, the question still lingers as to whether it was the right thing to do in terms of dating and getting to know the person in that particular instance. Read more…

Is dealing with repairmen and contractors much like being single, gay and dating?

I’ve been stressed beyond belief all week and it’s all due to repairmen. I haven’t been able to concentrate on work, social outings, or writing this blog due to worry and stress caused by their actions.

It all started when I got into a relationship with one who promised to treat me right. He presented himself well, talked like he was sure of himself and sure of my needs, and any friend I asked had nothing bad to say about him. Everything was there that made me believe things with him would work out.

Then the typical problems started. The signs were there but I ignored them: never answering the phone when I called; only replying to me via text; promising to be there, then cancelling at the last minute or just not showing up at all.

Read more…

This post comes from a Reader Request that came in after my post about married guys on Scruff  (thanks again for all of your comments).  The reader said that he disagreed with my Scruff post and that “all married guys on Grindr and Scruff should be made to disclose their relationship status.”  So let’s take a moment to discuss the disclosure of relationship status in the context of online dating/meet up sites and see if there’s an easy answer to this conundrum.

As most guys who are single, gay and dating know, online sites and apps have a section in each profile where you can say if you’re Single, Dating, Partnered, in an Open Relationship, etc.  If there isn’t a specific section (note that Grindr didn’t initially come with this feature), then the argument goes that you should at least state your relationship status somewhere in your profile so other guys will know and be able to make a more informed decision about chatting you up. Read more…

Please join me tonight at Whitman Walker Clinic for a discussion I’m taking part in called Healthier Hookups.  We’re kicking of the conversation at 7:30pm at the Elizabeth Taylor Medical Center at 1701 14^th St. NW.  You can find more information about it in Metro Weekly, The Washington Blade, or via Whitman Walker’s Facebook page here.

See you there!

It’s not just Scuff that should be singled out, as there seems to be more general awareness of partnered guys, guys in open relationships, etc. on meet up sites and apps these days.  But what does appear to be unique to Scruff is the outright dismissal and backlash by single fellas against guys online who aren’t single.

If you thought douchebags on Grindr was bad, there are just as many guys on Scruff who say things like “don’t talk to me if you’re in an Open Relationship,” or “I don’t understand why so many Partnered guys are on here,” or “If you’re Partnered just block me.”  So let’s explore the question for a moment: why exactly are there a lot of Partnered guys online and should they get off and leave the cruising to the non-committed?

Now I didn’t minor in cis-gender studies but I have my thoughts on the notable rise of guys in relationships being online.  Read more…