An Episode in Dating: Shifting In Different Gears
The weeks spent with Matt after going to Rehoboth were wonderful. While going away worked to bring us closer together, we never reached that awful point where you become too comfortable with each other and stop dating / getting to know each other.
In fact, we did many things together: biking, swimming, exhibits, book signings. We frequently cooked for each other and there were many an overnight stay with no shame in the bike ride home whatsoever. There were no dating problems to really speak of, except for the frequency of our sex life.
I know. Shocker, right? I make it a point to not make this blog about sex and here I am about to talk about it. Well, honestly I think that for grown folks, sex is a part of dating and I think there is a mature way to talk about it without sounding like you’re cracking your gum in 5th period. In any event …
The problem with my sex life with Matt was that point blank: I wanted it more than he did. He would stay. We would cuddle. Mornings with him were great. Sex with him was great. But the frequency of our love making was something that bothered me.
For the record, it’s not that it was once a month or something horrible. Sometimes it was just once a week but that was mostly because of our busy schedules. The problem was that while I expected it to occur every time we met, it just didn’t happen.
Matt and I talked about it and he told me outright that his libido was just never really that way; which ultimately was and is fine. But there was a part of me that was fearful of what Matt’s lack of interest might mean.
I couldn’t help looking back on a previous dating experience where the guy’s appetite was greater than mine. His want was for 2 -3 times a day and while you may think I was happy with this, I really was not. If anything, my desire for it decreased which I realized ultimately meant that I just wasn’t that in to him.
While a part of me wanted to dwell on negative experiences, I couldn’t help but take in the many positive signs that Matt gave to let me know that he dug me. He made a point of spending time with me. We had actual conversations via email during the day and in person. And most of all, he cuddled. While he isn’t always long on sentiment, the important thing is that we were actually “together” when we were together; which is more than I can say for some guys who are good in only one area and that’s about it.
So yeah, once I realized that Matt really wanted to spend time with me, my problems regarding our sex-life stopped. Things are going well.
To be continued…
You say your problems regarding your sex life stopped, but you don’t say whether it’s because you made your peace with the frequency, or because the frequency increased (perhaps as a consequence of your improved relationship), or some combination of both. Whatever it is, I’m glad things are going well.
I think this is a difficult subject in relationships for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that our culture, even though it is in so many ways hypersexualized, still tells us that it is somehow wrong and at best superficial to make a big deal out of wanting more sex. So we feel guilty about it, and are inclined to let our partner/bf/husband/wife/whatever get away with not taking it seriously or even responding insultingly.
But it IS a big deal. For one thing, if you’re not satisfied, eventually you’re either going to get it somewhere else, end the relationship, or act out in some way that damages the relationship. But beyond that, the cumulative effect of being physically rejected can be extraordinarily damaging, not only to the relationship but also to one’s own self-esteem. It is not wrong to want to be sexually fulfilled in a relationship; if sex weren’t important to a relationship, there would be no such thing as “gay” or “straight” when it comes to relationships. Sex is central to a relationship and we need to stop trying to pretend to ourselves that it isn’t.
That doesn’t mean the person with the lower sex drive needs to “submit,” although I like Dan Savage’s idea of the “GGG” ideal. But it does mean that the person with the stronger sex drive shouldn’t be made to feel evil about it, or guilty about wondering whether someone else might be a better fit.
Bill,
Thanks for your comment.
The problems stopped because I not only made peace with the frequency of our sex-life but started to see cuddling / canoodling as another facet to it. Not that this wasn’t my view before, but if cuddling is all the person has to give at the time, then I’m good with that.
I agree with you that wanting more sex in a relationship should not be viewed as a wrong, and I appreciate your other comments as well.
Now whether I’m satisfied or not by the frequency of my sex-life with Matt, you’ll just have to wait and see. As I said in my initial Manifesto, timelines are shifted and names changed to mask true identities.
xoxo,
-Kamal