Lusting after another: When an ‘Idris’ is or isn’t enough.
via Essence
In DC, going to networking events is a common occurrence. I am not talking about the First Friday phenomenon where everyone seems to be a hair salon owner or in varying stages of looking for employment (read here), but actual real live networking. I will occasionally attend these events with someone I’m dating, so we can mingle and play off each other or ditch early if the event is a bust.
I was at an event once with a date, having a good time and seeing old friends when he walked in. He, who I’ll call “Idris” because every black man who is devastatingly hot is like an Idris to me, is the ex-boyfriend of a close friend who is now the boyfriend of an acquaintance.
To say that Idris looked hot was an understatement. Well-groomed facial hair. Knitted polo shirt that did nothing to hide every ripple of muscle in Idris’ arms. A pair of dress slacks that were generous in their cut but left room for him and my imagination. Idris was a beautiful, brown, sexy black man that literally took my breath away when I saw him that evening.
I’m always able to keep my cool regardless of what level of attraction I may initially have for a man, but for some reason seeing Idris on this night made me lose it. He came over to say hello and I went from sociable, professional and composed to silly, blithering and wilted in 6.2 seconds flat. At one point the only words I could muster to say were “you look good” repeatedly. Wait, didn’t I come here with a date?
I introduced Idris to my date, and we all chatted for a while until Idris moved on to say hello to someone else. After the event, I was walking home with my date and I casually asked what he thought of Idris. He got a little quiet, then looked at me and said, “THAT man is FINE!!!” We laughed and continued having a very detailed conversation about Idris’ attributes.
Idris drifted back into my mind recently and it got me to thinking: is there ever a point where lusting for another can indicate a sign of something wrong in your relationship?
There have been times when I lusted after someone and came very close to doing something inappropriate. In those situations, cooler heads prevailed and I was able to talk with the person I was dating and come to some resolution regarding our problems. Because, I realized that my actions where being motivated by problems in my current relationship, I sought to address them before clouding any issues with an outside affair.
Another experience with signs of lust isn’t the actual lusting, but the inability to talk about it with the person I’m dating. If we can’t discuss beauty or lust because it causes you to react negatively and/or in an insecure way then that’s a problem.
Being a man, it’s next to impossible for me to not notice beauty, but also being a man means that I am truly capable of loving one person completely and honoring my commitment of trust and fidelity. If you can’t see that being a man and acting like one go hand in hand for me, then the inability to talk about beauty and lust is going to be a problem.
I think it is awesome when you’re dating someone and you can talk to each other about the beauty you see in others. In the case of my date, we were able to talk about beauty, lust, and get our thoughts out in the open. Doing so allowed us to move on to enjoying the rest of our evening together, sans thoughts of Idris.
Lusting after someone makes for a hot sex life. I’m just sayin’
Gay men are much more realistic about this than women. While we can be as possessive and insecure as straight men, we are also not inclined to believe — as many women do — that “if you love me you won’t be attracted to anyone else.” That may be how it is for women, but it’s just not how it works for guys, and since we’re dating other guys, we “get” it. (IMHO, one of the biggest fallacies in couples counseling is that cheating is always a symptom that something is lacking in the relationship. I think that’s nonsense. Sometimes it just means somebody yielded to temptation — like eating a cupcake even when they know they shouldn’t.)
The key is what happens after the ogling, and that depends on a lot of stuff in the relationship. If the relationship is insecure, ogling other men won’t help. If one person in the relationship is a lot more attractive than the other, and the other is sensitive about it, it could inflame those insecurities. If somebody isn’t getting what they want at home, temptations elsewhere will eventually win out and perhaps do further damage to an already difficult relationship. On the other hand, if the relationship is sound, being around other hot guys can just help turn up the sexual temperature. Or turn into a hot three-way. Or, alas, just remind you both of how old you’re getting.
I think what you did with your date was very healthy. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean your libido is going wither and die (unless you’re a lesbian. No offense my lesbian sisters!). So why not be open and real about it? (lol) I think that helps foster intimacy thus heightening your sex life.
I think it is when couples begin keeping secrets and feeling like their natural urges are wrong is when cheating (emotional or otherwise) begins to occur.
Oh, my goodness gracious Idris is too FINE! Yaaaassss!!!