“If A Man Wants You” and why that ish doesn’t apply to gay men.
A lot of my women friends on Facebook have linked to or talked about the recent relationship advice post on the site Divine Caroline which is titled, “If A Man Wants You.” The post passes on sage advice about not getting stringed along by a man, not putting his needs before yours, etc. etc. You can read the advice post here.
Now if you’re a woman and you need to hear that kind of thing, or think it’s good advice to pass on, then have at it. I’m all for people waking up to the reality of their situation and if this is something that helps, then great. But as a gay man, I read the advice and the overarching thought running through my head was, there is no way in hell this ish applies to gay relationships.
As screwy as some guys can be when it comes to dating and relationships, most gay men I’m friends with or talk to about dating are looking for the same thing: an equal partner. Yes, there may be income disparities or age differences of 10, 15 or 20 years, but no man that I know of is interested in being in a serious relationship with someone willing to take a backseat to their dreams and goals in favor of his.
That’s why I think comments like, “never live your life for a man” are foreign to gay men. If anything, gay men (some, not all) tend to lean towards being a bit selfish, or self-involved; or if your totally DC, self-important. Concepts like, “sharing” and “compromising” seem to be running themes when I talk to friends about why some of their relationships haven’t worked out.
What I do find to be an interesting concept among some gay men that doesn’t appear in “If A Man Wants You,” is the want for an equal partner that one can also submit to. I find that men spend so much of their time “running the world” that in their off time they like to “submit” to the wants/power/desires of someone else for a change.
Thinking about this another way, it’s like the satirical refrain to Bey’s song, Who Run The World? Power Bottoms. We want an equal partner but we also want someone who can take control and drive situations when necessary. Our selfishness, which I think is inherent to most men, protects us from losing our identities to the concept of submission. But this duality for an equal yet submissive relationship makes for a difficult balance to reach because you have two people looking to submit to each other and how that works from a practical perspective is the foundation behind the real answer to what makes for a successful relationship.
Then again, I’m not a relationship expert so this is just me, calling it as I see it.
I agree – in same-sex relationships, gender “roles” go out the window. In some cultures it’s the machismo/domination that drives some aspects of relationships, but I find in male-male relationships that both partners need to have that sense of control/purpose/shared dominance, which can shift at any moment, for any situation – whether in the bedroom, living room, or board room.