What’s with all of the Partnered guys on Scruff?!
It’s not just Scuff that should be singled out, as there seems to be more general awareness of partnered guys, guys in open relationships, etc. on meet up sites and apps these days. But what does appear to be unique to Scruff is the outright dismissal and backlash by single fellas against guys online who aren’t single.
If you thought douchebags on Grindr was bad, there are just as many guys on Scruff who say things like “don’t talk to me if you’re in an Open Relationship,” or “I don’t understand why so many Partnered guys are on here,” or “If you’re Partnered just block me.” So let’s explore the question for a moment: why exactly are there a lot of Partnered guys online and should they get off and leave the cruising to the non-committed?
Now I didn’t minor in cis-gender studies but I have my thoughts on the notable rise of guys in relationships being online. Whether it’s boyfriend/boyfriend, or some classification of married/married, or even just a long-term dating scenario (i.e. we don’t know if this will be long-term but we’re okay dating each other for now), you have a generation of guys in their 30s and 40s who can finally put HIV/AIDS scariness behind them and start loving each other again. What’s more is that you have a younger generation of guys who were born post-Dynasty (if you don’t remember Joan Collins on TV then you fall into this category) who have a very organic viewpoint on dating being a pre-cursor to some kind of long-term relationship.
Interestingly enough, with all of this dating, courtship, and relationship status updating going on, these relationships aren’t taking on the traditional formats of what a relationship “should” look like. While there is a voice in the lgbt community that wants to present our relationships as being the same as others and therefore demanding of equal treatment and protection under the law, the fact is that such protections should be afforded to persons looking to enter into a legal union regardless of what the internal and private structure of their relationship “should” or does exhibit.
Putting political arguments aside, gays by our very nature are counter-culture and if we want our relationships to be monogamous, or open, or polyamorous, then it’s our private right to do so. In any case, I suspect there are others who feel the same way that I do, which also explains why more Partnered guys are online looking to meet other guys for drinks, flirtation or fun.
While there are gay communities like San Francisco where Open Relationships have become such an established norm that single guys know how to effectively navigate through the waters, the rise of this normalcy in the online context is causing some guys to get frustrated as I previously noted.
For sure, there is nothing more frustrating than flirting with a guy and having that initial spark, only to find out later that said fella is already taken. I remember going to Gay Day at some amusement park once and I was in line waiting to get on a ride with some friends I started chatting with this guy. Chatting led into flirting and we started to vibe with each other when out of no where, another guy walks up who he introduces as his boyfriend. The boyfriend leaves to wait in line for another ride, and the guy immediately goes back to flirting with me. ARGH!
Whether it’s in person or online, being hit on by Partnered guys when you’re single and looking for love is annoying. Notice I’m not talking about the guys who sneak around on their partners, as those guys will always be there no matter what. But even if all Partnered guys leave online sites like Scruff, does that mean your chances of finding a decent guy to date will exponentially improve?
For the truly single guy, Partnered men on dating sites is nothing but background noise. While some of us work or study better in a completely quiet environment, those conditions aren’t always available and sometimes a noisy Starbucks is all you have to work with. So stop asking the barista to turn the music down or giving dirty looks to the guy talking loudly on his phone. Focus on what needs to get done and the background noise will soon quiet down to nothingness.
Or we could all get out of the loud bar and leave all the shiny happy scruffy couples have a blast among themselves?:-)
Great post! The landscape of dating has changed dramatically within the past few years. As a 41-year-old looking for that special spark or connection, I find it hard to focus and sometimes ignore the “background noise” when there are so many TRICKS-ters –in person or online– out there. There seems to be more clutter to navigate around. Yes, everyone loves a fun, casual flirt, but once the talk turns to hypothetical scenarios and questions about “roles and responsibilities” — that’s when things can take an ugly turn. For some single guys –um, me– we have no desire to be a third wheel or a single spoke among many spokes in that trick-turning wheel. Been there, done that.
And yes, I often ask guys I meet, “Do you have a boyfriend or partner?” And most of the time, there’s no response via Scruff or a deer-in-the-headlight stare with a sheepish “yes” in person. For those who are upfront about their open relationship, I admire them for making their relationship work. Hey, worst case scenario is that they hook me up with a single friend who is as hot as they are; and if not, well… they can just keep it movin’.
I still check out Scruff from time to time, but I did cut down on the “background noise” after I realized that Grindr and Scruff serves a purpose for hook-ups, but they are not reliable sources to find or stalk my Prince Charming. I prefer to do that in person.
Married guy here on Scruff …
I think there are several things at issue here …
The first is that some are not being honest in their profiles as to their true relationship status. So much drama can be avoided if all the particulars are written in the profile or disclosed within the first five minutes of conversation. No one likes a liar.
The second is that some people want the users who reach out to them to have the same goals. The Scruff app has many different applications for the users. It could be an avenue for chat, friendship, dating, or hooking up. Users should be clear in their profiles as to what they are looking for. Bare bones profiles lead to a lot of unnecessary interactions.
The third issue is that as a married man, I don’t need or want a morality lesson given to me just because I have an open relationship. “If you won’t respect your relationship, then I will” is so obnoxious and judgmental. We’ve managed to navigate our relationship to include occasional playmates and shouldn’t be criticized nor applauded for it.
In general, beyond the poke or woof, I rarely reach out and hit on anyone. This holds true in person as well. Years ago, I hit on a cutie soon after we decided to open our relationship. I was forthright with my status and received the following scolding, “Why are you wasting my time when you should be home with your boyfriend.” That stung and I have very cautious ever since.