Barebacking: Is it the conversation that no one is having?
I ended last week being a little frustrated with the blog. After writing a post on barebacking and how it can play a part in dating and relationships, I expected a bevy of comments about the topic only to wind up with the sound of internet crickets.
While I do appreciate the one and only comment from Brad, who runs a barebacking site that has some pretty hot porn, I feel like most people looked past my point: if you are having sex without condoms while dating then ask yourself if your expectations and feelings regarding emotional and physical intimacy are being colored.
I was discussing this with a friend last Friday over drinks, and after a couple swigs from his beer he said, “Kamal, you’re asking people to comment on a topic that a lot of guys just don’t talk about. You’re right that a lot of guys do it, but because of barebacking’s association with HIV and AIDS, a lot of guys consider the subject taboo and just don’t talk about it.”
And why is it that we, as men who are single, gay, dating and looking for love, are not talking about this?
Again, it’s not just about the sex. If you are making a commitment with someone to have a certain level of trust that allows for skin-to-skin sex, and a conversation isn’t being had about what that means, then are we losing out on the conversation of intimacy in the process?
For me, intimacy is one of those immeasurable factors that signals whether the guy I’m dating could be something more. I can never put my finger on what it is that makes intimacy happen, but I know the feeling when I see it. But there are times when my like for a man may be clouded, i.e. by my lust or by his charm, and signs that reflect a lack of intimacy end up being ignored in favor of attempts to create or simulate the intimacy I’m looking for.
Sometimes we trick ourselves with our own thinking and actions. Maybe if I push to see more of him, then we’ll like each other more. Or maybe if we hold ourselves out as dating, then the rest of the relationship will fall into place. Or maybe if we trust each other enough to bareback together, then intimacy in the relationship will start to materialize.
So again I ask the question: is it really just a decision among two people to have sex without boundaries while getting to know each other, or is it indicative of a greater emotional need? Even if you don’t want to join me in a conversation on this, maybe it’s one you can have with the guy you’re dating the next time you see him.
Kamal, I read your blog last week and it made me realize guys are barebacking more than maybe they’d like to admit. One look at the profiles on Adam4Adam advertising “anything goes” confirms that. Have I practiced safe sex; yes. Have I barebacked; yes. When I went to Whitman Walkern clinic last year to be tested, I felt I was being judged by the person administering my test when I confirmed I had unsafe sex. Maybe guys are afraid of being judged. Who knows. Discussion about the subject is necessary both in response to your blog and between the parties involved. This wasn’t as clear and concise as I would have liked but wanted to respond to your lastest post.
I often feel people make a weird category error about all this. The point of condoms is to stop oneself from getting infected with an STD. Some STDs, like herpes, aren’t curable; some, like HIV, are chronic & can be fatal, & the medication has bad side-effects. Yes, they cost money, yes they make sex a bit less pleasurable, but they largely prevent STDs. Bearing in mind how many heterosexual married couples cheat on each other (& that’s having been joined together in the presence of friends & family & the sight of you-know-who above), it seems a mistake to imagine that someone one met a few months ago in a club or online will be so much more principled. People lie, & lord knows people deny. Most arguments about ditching condoms can be reversed quite easily. For instance, ‘If you trusted me you’d let me fuck you without a condom,’ can easily become, ‘If you respected me you wouldn’t ask me to trust you and ask to fuck me not wearing a condom.’ Much of the talk of intimacy is, dare I say, a psychological projection, particularly for the bottom. Take the question, ‘Is it in yet?’ We’re just not that sublimely sensitive to a skin of latex. As a community we fetishise through terms like ‘barebacking’ exposing ourselves to the dreariness of STDs as a rebellious act. As a rebellion it seems to me pretty much misguided. What are we rebelling against? ‘Squares’ who don’t want genital warts? The starchy old guard who, having seen thousands die of AIDS, don’t want us to be lumbered with it?